I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
