I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
