If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I am full of burrito and curiosity
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize