My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize