Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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