If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
