He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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