He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
