I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
