i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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