Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
