I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
