Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
