DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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