The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
two words: eviction party
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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