im drinking this country out of the recession.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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