I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
