you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
