He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
