ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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