he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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