I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
