I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
