i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
