she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize