Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
