She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
