last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
