im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
