Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
