Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just pee around me
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
