just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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