she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize