im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
