i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
