From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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