I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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