Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
