Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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