She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just took my morning after pill in the library
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
