My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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