D3 body, D1 cock
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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