I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
