this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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