No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I am available for nakedness
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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