i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
