Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
