I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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