i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
