she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
