I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
