You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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