im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
