they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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