he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize