So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
