I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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